Quirkology Jokes

A teacher decided to take her bad mood out on her students and so said, “Can everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, just one child slowly stood up. The teacher turned to the child and said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”
“No…” replied the child, “….but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

Texan: Where are you from?
Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Texan: Okay – where are you from, jackass?

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person.” “Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong too.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those are planets, it’s quite likely that there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

A guy goes to the hospital for a check-up. After weeks of tests, a doctor comes to see him and says that he has some good and bad news.
“What’s the bad news?” asks the man.
“I am afraid we think you have a very rare and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“Oh my god, that’s terrible,” says the man. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” replies the doctor, “we are going to name it after you.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said: “Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said: “What was the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said: “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled: “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

What kind of murderer has fibre?
A cereal killer.

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: “Do you know how to drive this?”

Woman to make pharmacist: Do you have that Viagra drug?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Only if I take two of them.

A man dies and his wife telephones her local newspaper, and says, “I would like to print the following obituary: Bernie is dead.”
The man at the newspapers pauses, and says, “Actually for the same price, you could print six words.”
The woman replies, “Oh okay. Can I go with: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form and writes: “Woof woof woof. Woof, woof. Woof. Woof woof, woof.”
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another “Woof” for the same price.”
The dog looks confused and replies: “But that would make no sense at all.”