Leaving

A sense of heaviness has set in and makes me feel like lead. I have always felt that people who leave are having it good or at least better than those they leave behind. As far back as I could remember, I never wanted to be the one to be left behind. How wonderful it is to just leave everything behind and embark on a fresh journey in search of new adventures and excitement! But I am wrong. Leaving is not a feeling of joy and liberation that I had thought it would be. Instead, leaving made me feel loss and the feeling is unbearable. I could not bear to leave behind the connections I had forged, to close the door to my heart and to turn my back to all those heart-rending moments of the times spent there. Sharing my feelings opened my heart to pain, pleasure, joy and hurt. It was mercilessly bruised and yet gently warmed. Words, feelings, emotions and all the nuances flowed, flowed seamlessly, crossing borders, barriers and space, and in the process, generated sparks. The sparks did not and possibly will never lead to fire, but they were enough to light up my life and make me feel wonderfully, gratefully alive. Such immense joy and consequentially such horrible pain. All the risks taken knowingly, that the possibilities for joy would be equal to those for pain. But for all the happiness in the world, I am willing to embrace the pain that comes with it. How I can live now without the source of my joy and happiness, I don't know. Cliched as it may sound, only time will tell.